


Unaccustomed as I am to Public Speaking

by pigeonstatueconundrum



Series: Danger Pay [1]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: 2016 Universe Version of 1984 Character, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Female Friendship, Gen, Semi Naked Holtzman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7661935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonstatueconundrum/pseuds/pigeonstatueconundrum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EPA Agent Peck wants the Ghostbusters to prove their equipment isn't insanely dangerous, But it's all okay because Jillian Holtzman is great at public speaking...</p><p>Every original Ghostbusters fan has to face up to the fact that that Walter Peck may have been right in 1984, but she may be in the wrong in 2016</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unaccustomed as I am to Public Speaking

Erin sighed at echo of the sensible heels across the firehouse parquet. Longingly eyeing the last warm dregs of coffee at the bottom of her ‘ _Home is where your displacement is zero_ ’ mug, she turned her attention of the conversation on the other side of the closed door.

“Hey there.” Kevin said, “Are you here to have a ghost busted? We have…”

“Mr Beckman.” The visitor interrupted. “I was here just two days ago. There is a photo of me in the middle that dart board behind you.”

“Oh yeah.” he trailed off. “So, who should say is…

Reluctantly, Erin got out her chair to put on her jacket as the sound of grinding teeth resonated even through the office wall.

“I am,” the visitor enunciated “Agent Peck from the EPA.”

“Oh, right. Fantastic.” Kevin grinned. “Erin, There’s a lady here to talk to you about the football.”

Erin tried to hide the laughter in her voice, “There’s a letter for you to read her on the desk.”

“Where?”

“With the giant pink post it note on it.”

There was a shuffling of paper and something metallic rolled across the floor. “What do I...”

“Oh for goodness sake” Peck snapped.

“Just read it to her, Kevin, sweetie.” Erin pleaded as she crouched down to watch the scene through the keyhole.

“Okay, Um. The Conductors of the Metaphysical have complied with all 37 recommendations made by the Environmental Protection Agency. The swallow’s nest has been removed and the mould found the second floor office has taken off premise for scientific study. All combustible, faulty or radia.. radio..”

“Radioactive” Abby shouted her voice echoing down the hole from the floor above.

“Radioactive,” Kevin continued, “material will be taken removed to a secure location pending application.”

Peck sighed, “This secure location is the basement of this building correct.”

“Ummm”

“Yes.” Erin shouted.

“Because you wouldn’t let us keep it up here.” Abby added.

Peck rolled her eyes. “Yes, because keeping ‘Ghosts’ next to the mould ridden sleeping quarters. I’m a monster, clearly.”

“Is she doing air quotes?” Abby shouted, “She’s doing the air quotes again.”

“Can one of you come and talk to me. I want to speak to the organ grinder not the …” Peck looked contemptuously at Kevin who was now making a delicate origami frog out of an invoice, “monkey”

“Kevin is a valued…” Erin started as she threw herself across the room towards Pecks smug smirk… and the officious envelope in her hand.  
  
“Congratulations Doctor Gilbert.” Peck said placing the envelope into Erin’s slack fingers, “They set a date for the hearing.”

Erin scanned the document. Her heart sank and her anger rose.

“This date is tomorrow.” She waved the document under Pecks nose.

“Oh is it? There must have been a delay getting this to you.” She purred, “you know how we, what was it, ‘Burocratic Fuck Trucks’ operate.”

“This isn’t fair. I’ve barely had time to collect my notes. This is delicate...”

“Oh no Doctor Gilbert,” Peck interrupted. She leaned back against Kevin’s desk to better saviour Erin’s panicked expression. “The verbal petition has to be presented by the person who submitted equipment patent. That would, of course, be…”

The slow squeal echoed painfully in the stunned silence as a pair of rubber boots slid excruciatingly slowly down the fireman’s pole. Holtzman landed with a flourish, winking at Peck under a jauntily placed fireman’s helmet.

“Hey.”

The batted her eyelashes coquettishly at the agent, who just rolled her eyes. She seized the letter from Erin’s slack fingers and handed it to Holtzman.

“12:15 tomorrow Doctor Holtzman.”

Holtzman clutched the letter to her chest, “It’s a date.”  
“No.” Peck corrected, her voice for once nonplussed in the face of Holtzman’s unrelenting affability. “It’s a municipal hearing about whether you should be allowed to keep experimental nuclear reactors in proximity to a residential area.”

“Whatever you say.”

“I am here to close you down.” Peck said, Holtzman didn’t even blink “The only thing this death trap has going for it is its gender neutral bathrooms.”

Holtzman just smiled in the face of her harshest glare.  
“12:15, City Hall.”

“You take me to all the best places.” Holtzman sighed.

Peck drew breath to respond but something in Holtzman’s expression either softened or thwarted her resolve.

With a scornful huff, she gathered her bag and left, oblivious to Erin’s angry protesting.

“I’m going to make some calls” Erin promised, already scrolling down her limited list of politicians.

“What the hell Holtzman,” yelled Abby, her disembodied head hanging upside down from the top of the pole. “What is the first rule of dealing with Peck?”

Holtzman shrugged unrepentant. “We don’t talk about Fight Club?”

“We don’t talk to her at all.” Erin snapped. She pressed the phone back to her ear to listen to the depressingly familiar tones of the mayoral office’s hold music.

“We can’t afford to piss her off again.” Abby said, angrily gesticulating as she followed Holtzman’s path down the pole. “If she cuts off the power I’m not pedal powering the generators again.”

Holtzman sniggered.

“Erin gets defensive. I get pissed. Patty will go toe to toe with her on obscure city ordinances. And you...” Abby paused, wordless like so many in the face of summarising Holtzman. “I have no idea what you’re doing but it confuses the hell out of her.”

Holtzman, unrepentant, slung an arm around Abby’s tense shoulders to pull her towards Erin rapidly loudening conversation, “It was the hat wasn’t it? I always go overboard with the headgear.”

Erin ended her call with only the smallest howl at burocratic indifference.

“No chance.” She told them, pulling her bangs from her eyes with restless fingers. “She’s right about the patent applicator, damn her. I explained to them about just finding out about the date but they can’t reschedule this late.”

“Can we say Holtzy’s sick? One of us go?” Abby asked.

Erin shook her head, “Board might not side with us if someone isn’t there to fully explain the safety of the containment machine.

“Ha! It isn’t safe.” Holtzman laughed.

Erin ignored her, turning to Kevin with patient smile, “Kevin could you get the blueprints for us.”  
Pause. Kevin added another frog to the rapidly growing pile.

“Kevin?”

Holtzman plopped the helmet on his head, backwards. He looked up, head spinning as he searched for the impeded daylight. He removed the helmet to reveal a sunny, if vacant smile.

“Yup.”

“Blueprints, please?” Erin repeated.

“Oh sure.” Kevin leapt out of the room, in what was probably the wrong direction.

“I don’t see what the problem is.” Holtzman said, flopping down into Kevin’s vacated chair, “I can speak at the hearing, no problem. I’m great at public speaking.”

She spun herself around in a lazy circle, unfolding one of the little frogs to reveal Zhu’s takeout menu. At the end of her turn her friends stared down at her with wide disbelieving eyes.

“What? I got this.”

After three viewings of her first and only foray into teaching immortalised on the well-worn VHS tape and Holtzman agreed, she did not got this.

“But, I’m good at public speaking” she murmured as the pixilated figures of fifteen students pouring out a fire door. “Is this why you wouldn’t let _Out_ interview me?”

Patty entered Abby’s office, dumping the banana crate of musty books by the door. A puff of dust dissipated in the air as she crossed the room to the rickety VHS player they were huddled around.

“What we doing?” she peered at the wiring machine, “Home movies?”

Erin winced as past Holtzman double barrel blasted the fire with two extinguishers. “Something like that.”

“Patty?” Holtzman said, dragging Patty’s horrified attention away from the screen. “Patty, I’m good at public speaking, right?”

“Oh Holtzy.” Patty sighed. She sat down next to her with a reassuring smile. “You are genuinely terrible. The worst, and I my job used to involve watching the subway preachers.”

“But we still love you,” Abby added at Holtzman’s crestfallen expression, “And that’s what matters.”

“That and we’re going to lose the equipment and the business.” Erin muttered.  
  
“Peck gave us the date for the hearing then?” Patty asked.

At their subdued nods she brightened, “That’s okay.”

“It’s tomorrow.”

“Right…”

“Holtzman has to do it.”

Patty stood up. “I’m going to see if I can get my old job back.”

Holtzman laughed weakly and Patty dragged her up into a one armed hug. “We’ll just have to practise that’s all. It’ll be alright.”

“We’ll write something up for you read out.” Erin promised. She conscientiously rewound the tape, the blaze on screen fizzling out into a exuberant Bunsen burner and Holtzman’s flailing arms. “Abby understands enough about the technology and I speak committee board. It’ll be fine.”

“Yay?” Holtzman muttered with nervous jazz hands.

Abby grabbed her spasming hand and gave it a squeeze. “You can do this. And if it doesn’t we can do Plan B.”

Holtzman brightened, “I can move to the mountains and become an evil scientist.”

“You can become an evil scientist.” Abby promised, offering her hands to complete their secret handshake.

Kevin staggered into the room with twenty rolls of blueprints spilling out of the mail cart he’d somehow managed to get up the stairs. He was still wearing the helmet.

“Thank you Kevin.” Erin beamed taking the top roll “This is exactly… this is for a fire engine.”

“I just grabbed everything.” Kevin said proudly. He flopped down onto the couch. “What we doing.”

“Holtzman needs to give a speech at the hearing.” Abby joined Erin in rooting around in the pile. “How did you get through a doctorate without doing any oral presentations?”

She waited expectantly; Holtzman raised an eyebrow in mock confusion.

Erin giggled.

“My god woman!” Patty groaned. “You were in academia for how many years?”

“Sorry.” Erin laughed, “Sorry.”

“Is oral the sound or the smell one?” Kevin asked unrolling a fruit by the foot from his pocket.

“The talking one.” Patty said slowly, “Holtzy needs to deliver a speech without being herself or picturing the audience naked.”

“Oh.” Kevin nodded, chewing thoughtfully, “Then you need acting lessons.”

Everyone paused. “That’s actually not a bad idea.” Abby said begrudgingly.

“Do you know one?” inquired Erin. Even she had trouble with Kevin having a good idea.

Kevin nodded, his excited affirmative muffled by a mouthful of chewy synthetic fruit.

“Give me your phone now.” Erin made exasperated grabby hands, as Kevin pawed around in his pockets to find it.

Holtzman grinned up at Patsy with twinkling eyes, “I’m going to be a star!”

Before Patty could consider whether it was even worth telling her to calm down, Holtzman was already on the desk. Abby managed to stop a lucky cat paperweight from falling on the floor but a pile of paperwork was thrown asunder under Holtzman’s wellies.

“To be or not to be..”

“God damn it Holtzy.”

“…That is the question...”

“Get down!”

“…Whether it is something something. Taking farms against a sea of bubbles...”

  
Kevin’s acting teacher turned out to be an elderly man with a suspect yellow stains on his tie and an even more suspect British accent.

“Greetings I am Lawrence Carrow.”

Erin blanched as he kissed her hand, his overly groomed moustache leaving a slimy trail over her knuckles. Abby backed away, miming a deathly cold she did not want to share.

“I specialize in Corpse Craft.” He bent towards Holtzman’s hand. Holtzman instead made to kiss his hand, her tongue lolling towards his chunky class ring. The other ghostbusters stifled their laughter as he stumbled back to avoid her.

“What is corpse craft?” asked Patty, who regretted the question straight away, even from the relative safety of the doorway.  
Carrow laughed derisively, “It’s the art of acting like a cadaver. Since the age of eighteen I have played a number of corpses and would like to think I have perfected the craft through a long and illustrious career.”

“Question.”

He turned warily to look at Holtzman.

“What’s the difference between playing a young corpse and an older corpse?”

Delighted by the question Carrow considered his answer, “One has a different set of emotions to ‘embody’” he chuckled to himself. “My articulation of ‘wasted potential’ in NCIS Tampa was especially well reviewed.”

Holtzman clasped Erin’s hands to her heart, “He’s perfect.”

Erin couldn’t help but laugh even as she turned to address to the acting ‘professional’, “Mr Carrow. We need our friend to be able to give a ten minute presentation of our containment equipment by tomorrow. Can you help us?”

“Of course my dear.” Carrow said solicitously, “There is of course the small matter of my fee…”

“You can have all the coffee you can drink and a coupon for 30% off any Category 3 or below haunting.” Patty offered.

“40%”

“No.”

“Any doughnuts?”

“If there are positive results.” She agreed.

“Fine, 30% will suffice,” he sniffed, “Kevin, fetch me my stool.”

Holtzman gave them two thumbs up as she followed Carrow and Kevin into Patty’s office.

“We’re getting overtime for this right?” Patty questioned.

“Oh god yeah.” Erin said quickly. “It’s that or leave him alone with her.”

There was a high pitch laugh, then silence, Abby winced, “I’m honestly more worried about him.”

It was a bleary group of Ghostbusters that arrived at the hearing the next day. Erin, who had gone home early to collect something without graphic writing or paint on it for Holtzman to wear, was vibrating out of her skin when the hearse finally pulled into the parking lot.

“Where have you been? We have to be in there in ten minutes.”

Holtzman waved the can of Pringles at her with caffeinated energy. “Breakfast of champions” she sung.

“We had to take Carrow to the hospital.” Abby explained, joints clicking as she stretched her tired limbs. “Kevin landing on him during a trust fall.”

“Did you at least get to practise the speech?”

Holtzman retrieved the crumpled sheets of A4 from her silver sports bag and proudly swapped them for the garment bag. She started to pull off her shirt before Erin could stop her.

“What are you doing!”

Holtzman tossed her eyes, “We have no time, remember.”

“Please just hurry up.” Erin pleaded as she tried to block her from the bemused glances of people heading into the building.

Holtzman threw her arms into the air, “Deodorant me Yates.”

Already primed, Abby sprayed her and Holtzman span like a Disney princess. However, with her capris around her ankles, Holtzman tripped and fell. There was an undignified screech as a pair of arms grabbed her. Holtzman looked up as her saviour’s face as shined bright red above her.

“My hero” she breathed at Peck who was desperately trying to look anywhere but at the woman in her arms.  
Holtzman just laughed delightedly in the snappy tones of a film noir dame “Hey, buster, my eyes are up here.”

Patty and Abby managed to extract Holtzman as Peck stood, stock still, as if not realising she’d been released. Erin managed to force the yellow suit dress over Holtzman’s head. Getting a comb through her hair was wishful thinking at this point.

“Ah Peck, there you are!”  
Her attention finally arrested from Holtzman, Peck snapped to attention in the direction of the voice, “Mr Atherton, sir.”

Holtzman managed to kick her trousers under the car just as the man rounded the corner. He nodded to the assembled Ghostbusters genially.

“I suspected I would find you here, Agent.” He said his moustache bristling as he took in Peck’s flushed appearance. “Perhaps you could wait until after the verdict to speak to these ladies.”

Atherton ignored her stuttering protest as he steered her towards the entrance, a steely hand on her elbow.

Patty waved, a sarcastic smile on her face, “Bye!”

“We’d better go.” Abby suggested as she handed Holtzman a pair of pumps with only minor ectoplasm stains in exchange for her health hazard Doc Martins.

“This outfit has no pockets.” Holtzman complained as they hustled her towards the right room.

Erin passed her a clean copy of her speech, “Well _this_ outfit will go bust if you don’t kick ass in there.”

Holtzman smiled, “Clever, you’ve been working on that all evening right.”  
Her face settled into something more serious as she pulled Erin into a hug. Erin gave a huff of surprise at the ferocity. The rest gathered around with friendly pats and words of encouragement.

A delicate chime called the hour.  
“Whoo” exclaimed Holtzman, jumping up and down in part nervous anticipation and part psyching exercise. The others followed behind her as they found their seats to wait for the hearing to start.

When asked later Holtzman could remember very little of the hearing. She had kept her eyes on the page in her sweaty grip, trying not to look at the three members of the committee that sat above. A fake British accent in her head boomed ‘ _projection_ ’ and ‘ _diaphragm_ ’ and ‘ _sweet Jesus I think that was my coccyx_ ’. She could hear Erin breathing in time with her as she mouthed the speech she and Abby had taken hours to write. Abby had been shuffling in her seat in shared anxiety, willing her to go on with every breath. There was the tap of metal on wood as Patty settled the Pringles can unobtrusively on the floor, waiting for Holtzman when she finished.

With one last herculean breath, Holtzman finished finally allowing herself a glimpse of the panel.

The pause contained multitudes.

“Thank you Doctor Holtzman.” The chairwoman said. “And this equipment will keep the ghosts safely contained.”

“Uh huh.”

Three identical coughs sounded from behind, “I mean, yes your… umm, ma'am?”

“Excellent.” The chairwoman smiled, “Then the application is approved.”

“You can’t handle the truth.” Holtzman shouted before the words had sunk in. “Sorry what.”

“You are free to build your containment facility.” Another committee member clarified. “As long as it follows the blueprints of the plans you already submitted.”

Erin was nearly out of her seat as Abby grabbed a still stunned Holtzman into a backwards bear hug.

“We appreciate the effort you went to for this hearing.” The chairwoman added with a shrug, “But this meeting was just to rubber stamp the application.”

Erin put her hand up tentatively, “But umm I thought this was to prove our patents were sound.”

“You are the foremost paranormal authorities in the country.” The last committee member said, “Who else were we supposed to consult with, Mystery Incorporated?”

“The EPA.” Pack snapped to her feet, the blush from her checks eclipsed by rage. “You could consult The EPA. I don’t believe the committee has considered the lengthy concerns my office has submitted.”

“Ah yes.” The chairwoman’s face fell, “You would be referring to these concerns.”

A ring binder landed with a disturbing thump on the table. A couple tiny colour coded tabs floated sadly to the floor.

“Yes and if you you’d...” Peck fumed.

The chairwoman held up her hand and Peck spluttered to a halt. Patty passed Holtzman her Pringles.

“Perhaps if you had passed this to the committee through the proper channels and not to my family home during a rather exciting Grey Anatomy, I would have considered your advice.”

“But I have and no one will…” Peck started.

Atherton stood up, “That is enough, agent.”

Pecks face fell, she swallowed thickly. “I am very sorry.”  
She wordlessly followed Atherton from the room, too ashamed for even one pacing glance of hatred towards the Ghostbusters.

“Wow.” Holtzman licked the salt from a Pringle, “Commissioner Gordon looks pissed.”

The chairwoman valiantly tried to hide a smile, “That will be all, you are all dismissed.”

Holtzman spun around into waiting arms. “We did it!”  
“You did it.” Abby beamed, punching her on the arm, “No imagining of people naked required.”  
“Yeah.” Patty grinned at the door, “Holtzman’s not the one imagining people naked today.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not proud of this one but i derive validation from comments and kudos. I really want to explore Peck (or at least my version) a bit more so watch an adjacent space for more.


End file.
